Some things I can’t do

I went to the doctor’s today, to get the pill because of the terrible cramps I get every month (I think I’ve whined enough on here…lol). In this country, they always seem to check your blood pressure and weight, no matter what kind of doctor they are – that’s not the case where I’m from. This is my first doctor’s visit since I got abstinent, so I called my sponsor to ask what to do in case they wanted to weigh me. She said to just ask them not to tell me, and look away from the scale.

Well, at the doc’s office, I was asked to go to the restroom for a urine sample and weigh mySELF. Now… I suppose I could have. Part of me wanted to, and it’s only seven days to go to the next WI anyway, and so on. But it’s just not ok for me – so I actually said to the receptionist, could someone please weigh me, I’m managing an eating disorder. They were really supportive and later on a nurse weighed me – had me stand with my back to the scale – and I felt great for having spoken up about it. Learning to take care of myself means, for me, to recognize that I’m sometimes NOT capable of doing something, even trivial things.

Oh, and am I ever managing an eating disorder here! Especially today: it’s the last day of school. There is food aplenty in our little admin kitchen, leftovers and gifts from students and teachers. German sweets (I would binge on American ones when I’m already on a binge, but they wouldn’t even tempt me to start out with… except for American frozen ones, they’re terrible). Not just that, but the kind that’s most luxurious and expensive, it’s all right there in the kitchen. Temptation is tangible. But temptation isn’t failure, I’m abstinent, and even if I do want these sweets – no denying that – I don’t want what comes with them. Since I can only have a package deal (sweets & binge & pain & horror) but not just one of them, I’d rather not. Because the sweet taste stays in my mouth for maybe a minute or two, but what ensues will stick with me for weeks and weeks. I don’t believe I would have the strength to come back the next day after a binge – for this COE, it would be weeks or months. *Staying* abstinent is the easy way for me.

So I’m going to say, I won’t eat any of the stuff that’s in the kitchen, no thank you sir. Not worth it.

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