I’ve decided to quit counting days (that helps me in my mind to drive home the accomplishment of 90 days, and that I have now entered a whole new “Phase 2” – the phase of being able to serve!). From now on, it’s dates. Like, tomorrow being 3 months. Woo hoo!
I still get up in the mornings looking forward to my breakfast. Which is the same thing I’ve eaten for months now. It’s so funny – I love my food, and I’m allowed to! This morning I shook up my routine a little, prepared breakfast before my reading and prayer, but I found that while the food sat there I really couldn’t concentrate, I wanted the food too much! *Laughs* I just don’t get bored of it.
Breakfast is my favorite food of the day, so I don’t mess around with it, but now I find myself trying out new things for the other two meals. There are some vegetables on the Greysheet that I have never cooked with or eaten before, because they aren’t common back in Europe where I’m from. I had no idea what to do with them, so I asked around a little, found out that they were incredibly easy to work with, and tried a certain kind of them last night. And I love it! So, this non-cook is venturing out carefully. 😉 This Greysheet has such a wide range of foods!
Apart from the food, I find myself becoming more and more aware of the need to live the 12 steps. While in the food, that’s obviously not the case, and in the beginning of my abstinence it was all I could do to concentrate on abstinence. Now, I’m still a baby and I know it, but it’s dawning on me. On Friday, I called my father to wish him a happy father’s day. Now, the last time I spoke with him was in October 2004, and before that, I hadn’t spoken to him for 8 years – between age 12 and 20. I’m learning to forgive now. I’m extremely hard to offend, for people who are my friends, and I don’t get hurt easily, but my father is the one man in the world (that I can think of at this point) who I really have to forgive.
So Friday I called him and asked his forgiveness. Now if forgiving him is hard, asking him to forgive ME was a hundred times harder. But I had to, had to. I haven’t honored him as my father. And whether or not he’s fulfilled his part of the bargain, he IS my father, and it’s *my* side of the street to honor him as that. I’ve denied him for years.
I can’t say I know where this will lead. I’m lucky he’s half a world away, back in Austria, because if he wasn’t, he’d want to be in my life now. I’m not ready for that. I don’t know what to say to him now, how to be, what in the world is a father-daughter relationship anyway? I have no idea how to relate to him, on the most practical level – what do I say? How often do I write? I don’t want to give him a detailed account of what I’m doing, because that’s just information, not relationship. But again, what is relationship?
I’m becoming really aware of my handicaps right now. I don’t know how to relate. I don’t think I’ve ever loved, just used – including my parents, because at the time my mom died, I wasn’t old enough to really love her yet, I was just dependent. So now… I just don’t know how.