I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed yesterday, and wanting to get this out of my system… to sort out my own thoughts. I wrote it down, and here it is. Today, I feel fine – looking forward to going home and sleeping, but otherwise fine. This passage I wrote last night didn’t really bring much clarity – I find that much of the time when I feel feelings (now that I get to do that), I can’t name them. I have no idea what I feel, but I feel *something*, and because I don’t know what it is I don’t know what to do about it. So last night, I simply wrote it down. Here goes:
I tend to keep busy… always have, I don’t enjoy sitting at home by myself (besides, boredom is a major trigger in terms of food). I can only enjoy a quiet day at home when I’ve really used up all my “social batteries” and just want to be by myself, which happens, maybe once a week or every other week. Another thing is that I knoe I won’t be 24 and single for the rest of my life, and there’s just SO MUCH I want to do! Fitting it all into my life requires tight scheduling as well as budgeting.
Right now, this is a typical week for me:
- Monday – work 8-4, ESL course 6:30-9:30pm, home by 10:45pm
- Tuesday – work 8-4, prayer meeting 7:30-9:00pm, in between I might go home for dinner or go running somewhere to get some exercise
- Wednesday – work 8-4, ESL course 6:30-9:30pm
- Thursday – work 8-4, tutor 2 hispanic ladies in English from 5-7pm, home group 7-9pm, home around 10pm
- Friday – work 8-4, night off (groceries, cooking, laundry)
- Saturday – every other Sat. church ladies meeting in the morning, usually some sort of socializing afterwards; a flexible day, but rarely empty
- Sunday – church 9:30-12pm, tutor 2 hispanic ladies in English from 12:30-2pm, visit old lady in nursing home 2:30-3:30pm. Afternoon/evening free for socializing with church family, or household chores.
I do pull this off, wouldn’t know what else to do with myself if I weren’t busy… except that I feel my body getting tired and worn and despite the fact that I really want to do all these things and enjoy doing them, I find myself getting tempted to skip some of them. And then I regret it because I wanted to be there. I’ve been thinking of catching some sleep in our school counselor’s office (she has a couch!) on Mondays & Wednesdays before the ESL course, after work, but I find I can’t fall asleep that fast and even if I manage, I don’t wake up rested – I wake up wanting to go back to sleep. So I exercise, but sometimes I skip that because of the tiredness and then I’m on guilt trip. I know that when I do it, I feel so much better – energized – afterwards, but getting there is just tough.
Anyway, today I will go home as early as possible and go straight to bed. And I won’t eat, no matter what.