Day 38: Dreams

I had such a weird dream tonight. I dreamed that I had spilled my abstinent dinner in my car (I always make lunch & dinner at home and just bring it wherever I go) and was so frustrated. I distinctly remember trying to scoop it out of the plastic bag back into the container – not sure if I was going to eat that – but some had spilled onto the floor, so I scraped it off there (eww!), all the while thinking how on Earth I would handle this because I really don’t have time to cook anything else and I have to eat but I was grossed out as I deliberated whether I should eat the food I had spilled on my car floor and… well, I woke up incredibly frustrated and stressed out (and I have made VERY sure that my food was placed safely in the car this morning). Just funny how my inner addict is trying new approaches because the old ones don’t work.

Overall I feel more stressed about being abstinent now than I did 20 days ago, or so. That’s because I don’t want to become lenient, I don’t want to be caught off guard – in the beginning, that was easy to do because I had my guard up at all times and it was all new and fresh. Now it’s not so new any more, and life happens in between meals. I’m scared to lose my abstinence due to feeling invincible, because while I KNOW I’m not, my built-in forgetter is hard at work in my subconscious mind.

I want to plan a lot of things. I catch myself thinking ahead, and I need to let go of this, to some degree (I still think planning is a good thing). I already think ahead to weigh day on Sunday. I think ahead to my trip to Toronto in 3 weeks, which will be a one-week vacation that I need to prepare for in terms of GS (but my sponsor told me it’s too early to worry now). – but for today, there are no no-matter-what’s as far as I know, and it will be a regular day, so for today, I will be abstinent. And when those days come, I will tackle them.

Abstinence MUST come first.

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