Day 36: Staying honest

This weekend, my sponsor was away. I’m happy to sit here this morning with a clear conscience, able to say that I kept myself honest.

Every single meal I had this weekend was committed to a qualified person. I felt bad, since I have to call in the morning between breakfast and lunch, and who likes to wake people up on a Saturday/Sunday morning? As a matter of fact, I did wake someone up (apologies again, if you read this!) but that eventually didn’t keep me from calling someone else. On Saturday mornings, there’s a great meeting, so I went to the Phone Bridge to see who was up, so I could call them afterwards. In the process, I got some great inspiration out of that meeting (which I’d never been to before). I called someone I’d heard on it right afterwards, and that took care of Saturday.

Sunday is always a busy day for me, with church and all, so it happened that I was about to put my lunch into the microwave as I remembered that it wasn’t yet committed! This wasn’t even at my home, but at a hispanic lady’s place (I tutor her in English). Had a bit of struggle there – again, how would my sponsor ever know? And haven’t I eaten this very thing many times before? But, I got out my phone and called. And called. Said to myself that if the third person I try doesn’t take it, I’ll eat anyway. Then tried #3. OK, I said to myself, if the fifth person doesn’t take the call, THEN I’ll eat. Eventually, person #6 took the call and graciously took my food. Heh, the mind games I had to play to get there!

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I’m an addict, and that’s why I’m treating myself this way. I cannot allow myself the liberty to take back power over my food program – even if it’s all in “legal” foods, and there’s no compulsiveness, as such, involved. But, one liberty leads to another. It’s a downhill slide. I have experienced this more times than I care to remember, and that’s why I hold on like this – I cannot, will not, do not trust myself in food issues. I have to stay dumb and treat today like I did day 1.

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