Day 26: Back to 0?

I may be back on day zero today, that explains the mystic subject line… will have to check with my sponsor. What happened is that I call her in the morning when I’m at work, and this morning was insanely busy so that I didn’t even get to sit down in my office until 2PM. That is to say, after lunch. While my lunch was perfectly GS, and I’ve eaten the exact same thing many times before, it was not committed and so I might be back on day 0 today.

And you know what? I could live with that. Would I like it? No. But would it make me binge? No!

I’m amazed that I can say this now. I’ve been thinking about what I would do if I were set back to day 1 for some reason, and I was sure I would get that “f*** it, I’ve blown it, let’s go all-out” mentality (anybody familiar with this?) and go into binge mode for God knows how long. Today I’m in a different place, and I don’t even know why. Yes, I’d love to be able to keep my day count and just keep going, because I’m doing well, but what I have learned is that the number doesn’t define my level in abstinence. This is not about the recognition, to me. Sure I look forward to being able to say “Day 30”, “Day 50”, “Day 90” at a phone meeting and hear all the woo hoos, but if I show up there tomorrow stating it’s day 1, then that’s alright too.

I am beginning to see more and more benefits to abstinence. In the fashion of another GS’er whose lists I enjoy greatly, here’s a little list of benefits I’m seeing already:

  • I can be present at my job.
  • I can be present with people.
  • I can have things on my mind other than food.
  • My jeans feel looser.
  • I like myself enough to want to wear nice clothes.
  • I’ve been on a mood high for about 25 days now!

As my belly sticks out less because I’m less bloated now, I feel thinner – of course, when I walk by a window or mirror I still see the fat and I’m disappointed that reality by far doesn’t mirror the changes I’ve been seeing – but the point is, I feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not there yet, but it’s ahead of me and not at my back… I’m going in the right direction. Whether that’s on day 26 or day 1, I’m going.

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