Day 15: Unsociable

So I made it through another weekend abstinently – thank you those who called me, and thank you those who took my calls. I weighed in today and it’s about what I expected, not great, not bad either – I’m at peace about it and glad I don’t have to do it again until next month.

This weekend was, let’s call it, interesting. No outside events, just all the stuff that’s going on within me as I grow in my abstinence. I’m a veteran dieter – I could stay on just about any diet for about two weeks, then binge. Sometimes I’d tell myself that I wasn’t even bingeing, because the foods were legal on that food plan (never mind the sheer quantities, though!), but the rhythm was really established: one weekend I’d be good, one weekend I’d binge. Off, binge, off, binge. That’s why this weekend was kind of interesting.

Thankfully, I never even seriously considered going off GS. I just wouldn’t want to face my sponsor, you on here on Greynet, and the phone bridge people (and besides, I’m doing this for my own sanity!). But because abstinence gives me the ability to objectively look at my feelings, at least to some degree, it was really strange to observe how my inner addict tried to get me to the food. All day Saturday I was somewhat lightheaded, which I could have easily remedied with food (after all, the discomfort from that far exceeds any lightheadedness! Now *that’s* self-medication for dummies!). At a get-together with friends Saturday morning, I found myself in the kitchen (with nobody else there), sniffing at a plate of baked XXX. Then I caught myself, mentally slapped myself, and walked away. Left very soon after that, too.

As a matter of fact, this weekend something surfaced that somewhat bothers me: a certain self-indulgence and anti-social behavior. I didn’t want to be with anyone. I didn’t want to socialize, and instead of visiting the lady in the nursing home who so much looks forward to my visits, I excused myself and said I was tired. Went home, read, cleaned, did laundry, and slept. I didn’t have patience at all – on Saturday I couldn’t wait for our gettogether to be over, and then I got out as soon as I could; on Sunday, the same thing happened with church. I don’t understand myself, it’s as if I lost any interest in others and am only interested in myself… which is what got me into this mess in the first place (self-indulgence with food), and in fact, our literature teaches us to cultivate the exact opposite behavior – reaching out, helping otheres, NOT being self centered.

Tonight I’m not going to be social, either. Just go home, have my wonderful meal, and go to bed. I hope to recharge my social batteries by tomorrow night, prayer meeting. But even if that doesn’t work, there’s one AA slogan I am making my mantra: if you don’t feel it, fake it.

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